My father...
Posted 11-29-2008 at 04:15 PM by Bluewarwolf
I last saw my fathers grave when I was 3. I have no memory of going to see it, only that my mother says that is when I last went to see him. I have waited until now, a month beofre I turn 21, to go see him again. I have never really expressed my true feelings for my father's death, so naturally....... it all came out while I was standing over his grave. Even now, I'm still having trouble holding emotions back... but I know that he wouldn't want me crying over him 20 years after his death.
I never knew who he was, obviously, and my mother says he wasn't a very good person to start with. He was an alchoholic and a pothead, she told me. But, with all seriousness in her voice, she said that when he first held me 2 days after I was born, his face lit up to that of pure love. She said, that she had never seen a man love a baby so much. He was honestly trying to turn his life around, when fate stepped in and took away his time with me. I was never told until today that he used to be such an alchoholic and druggie, but something deep down was always telling me to stay away from those things. I like to think that my father passed on his will to me, his will for me to lead a better life than he did..... he died, and I grew up without a real father.
My brother and I have different fathers.... I suppose, that if my father were still alive and I grew up with him, then I wouldn't have always picked on my older brother. I grew up as a hateful, spiteful person, and probably because everyone had their own dads while mine was 6 feet under. I was even mean towards my older brother, and he could never figure out why.... I could never figure out why either, until I got a little older and realized I was just being hateful because I had no father. But like my father tried to do before his death, I will try to turn my life around, and become someone that I know my father would have been proud of. He did not give me life and ruin his just so I could throw mine away..... The last thing I did before I left today, was I rubbed his gravestone and whispered, "You'd have been a grandfather today". I'm sure my tears have already dried from his gravestone, but a part of him lives on in me, and I need to try and be the best damn person I can be, in his place.... I think, after today, that I can finally say.... rest in peace, dad.
R.I.P.
Michael S. French, Sr.
Dec. 30th, 1964 - Nov. 9th, 1988
I never knew who he was, obviously, and my mother says he wasn't a very good person to start with. He was an alchoholic and a pothead, she told me. But, with all seriousness in her voice, she said that when he first held me 2 days after I was born, his face lit up to that of pure love. She said, that she had never seen a man love a baby so much. He was honestly trying to turn his life around, when fate stepped in and took away his time with me. I was never told until today that he used to be such an alchoholic and druggie, but something deep down was always telling me to stay away from those things. I like to think that my father passed on his will to me, his will for me to lead a better life than he did..... he died, and I grew up without a real father.
My brother and I have different fathers.... I suppose, that if my father were still alive and I grew up with him, then I wouldn't have always picked on my older brother. I grew up as a hateful, spiteful person, and probably because everyone had their own dads while mine was 6 feet under. I was even mean towards my older brother, and he could never figure out why.... I could never figure out why either, until I got a little older and realized I was just being hateful because I had no father. But like my father tried to do before his death, I will try to turn my life around, and become someone that I know my father would have been proud of. He did not give me life and ruin his just so I could throw mine away..... The last thing I did before I left today, was I rubbed his gravestone and whispered, "You'd have been a grandfather today". I'm sure my tears have already dried from his gravestone, but a part of him lives on in me, and I need to try and be the best damn person I can be, in his place.... I think, after today, that I can finally say.... rest in peace, dad.
R.I.P.
Michael S. French, Sr.
Dec. 30th, 1964 - Nov. 9th, 1988
Total Comments 7
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Wow...I feel for you.
 It's making me feel like crying... It's good you got to go and see it and resolve...i guess. |
 
Updated 11-29-2008 at 04:43 PM by Wired Cous |
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That's really great Blue. I'm glad you had a chance to just think about it, and to see your fathers grave. And I'm glad you made a resolution to be a better person. I'm really happy for you.
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well thats good blue glad you able to resolv it...
and i know how you feel man both my parents are dead. my mom died from taking acid and my dad made a meth lab and it blew up and he died in it. i understand how you feel blue...  |
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Myke, I'm glad you've come to terms with your dad, and I'm also happy that you've learned a lesson from his passing.
It's got to take some serious gut to even go see his grave, much less post that heartfelt story on a site where a lot of people read it. For that, I commend you. I can guarantee that sig we'll make will do justice to your dad, and I hope we can help ease the pain from the incident. |
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Cool he has the same name as me. Well, first name at least.
Glad you finally went to your dad, sort of speak. You should apologize to your brothers maybe. I guess. So what is it you have planned next? |
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Very few chances in life does one have the opportunity to reconcile. I'm glad you had that opportunity Blue because who knows by it you may end up changing people's lives for the better.
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It is not to late to turn your wrongs into rights... You have taken the first step...
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