Chuck Norris took a glance at his wristwatch. “Just in time for the nightly news,” he thought to himself. Chuck flicked a button on a remote.
A jingle played as a graphic danced across the screen of the television.
“Hello, I’m Diane Tellsyoo and welcome to Channel Four News at Six. Breaking news this evening, scientists from around the globe have successfully conducted a breakthrough experiment that may make us rethink what we know about the universe,” said the anchorwomen sternly, “and some fear the worst. Rumors have spread about the chance of freak accidents that could lead to the destruction of us all. We now go live in France with Sessell Ottastuff. Sessell, what’s going on out there?”
“Hello Diane, I am in front of the International Center for Quantum Research of France. Behind me, scientists are calculating the results of their recent experiments testing how the little known particle, the Philtrino, reacts when smashed into another at speeds that rival those of light. Earlier this morning, the experimen--- what is that? Diane, I don’t know if you can see this, but a strange aura of white light is radiating from the Lab. Wha-- oh my God…no…” The reporter fell silent.
A flash of bright blue-white light engulfed the T.V. screen. The light was so intense that the box started making a whirring noise as smoke rose from its back. A moment later, the entire piece exploded with a bang and the screen burst, sending bits of glass hurdling back into the room.
Chuck reacted quickly and shielded his eyes, although the razor sharp fragments gashed small cuts in his arms and chest. “Whatever is happening, it can’t be good.”

Quest I: Allies and Uncertainty

An intense, blue-white light similar to the one he saw on TV flashed through the windows. Even though the sun had set minutes before, it seemed as if it was at high noon. Chuck dove behind the couch in an attempt to protect himself from the absurd illumination. Then everything went white, nothing could be seen. His eyes burned, his skin sizzled, and he could feel the light all around him. Chuck’s eyes were tightly shut, but he could still see the radiance through the reddish haze of his eyelids.
Then, silence. The feeling of freedom liberated him from fear. Rather than an artificial, alien substance, Chuck felt natural sunlight and a soft breeze. A lush green meadow and a clear, blue sky greeted his hurtful eyes.
“Where am I?” Chuck Norris murmured to himself.
“Why, you’re in Greece,” boomed a strong, full voice, “the best place in the world. I do not know of a single place more beautiful than right here.”
Hmm. That experiment must have made me travel through time. I’d better keep a low profile, so as to keep safe, thought Chuck, at least until I know what’s going on.
“I am Euphos of Sparta, hero of battle and slayer of beasts. Three hundred of my men and I are on our way to confront the Oracle of Crete. Would you care to join us, stranger?”
“I am Chuck Norris of Nohwere, and may I ask why you have embarked on your journey?”
“Nohwere? I’ve never heard of it.”
“It’s an isolated village in faraway lands.” “Anyway, we seek the Oracle because bizarre things are happening and we suspect the Gods are up to something.”
“Excellent. I will join you, Euphos, and your army on the voyage to Crete. I do not offer much, but my cunning and strength should be useful.”
And so they marched. Chuck did not know where they were headed, but with Euphos confidently leading the way, it took the pressure off his uncertainty. The men marched for three days, only stopping for meals and rest. They were tired and weary, but Euphos’ optimistic and assertive attitude kept up their morale.
Finally, they reached a dense wooded area. A single path led the way through the dark and gloomy forest. Euphos, Chuck, and the three hundred Spartans slowly made their way through the eerie woodland.
There was a rustle in the leaves. The men stopped to listen. Another rustle, about ten feet away from the first intrigued the men further. The warriors were cautious; you never know when a mythic beast could strike.
In an instant, each Spartan, Euphos, and Chuck Norris had a razor sharp dagger pressed to their necks. Without a sound, a figure no more than a shadow dropped from the trees. It was a man dressed in an all black ninja costume. He looked like something out of the movies, but Chuck knew this was for real.
“Who dares trespass on my territory?”
“I am Euphos of Sparta and this is Chuck Norris of Nohwere. We do not mean harm to any and we travel in peace.”
“Nohwere? I’ve never heard of it.”
“Nobody has,” replied Chuck with a chuckle.
“Anyway, I am Hisao Inaba, leader of the League of Shadows, a group of elite ninja warriors that move about in stealth and secrecy. One hundred of my men and I have been following you since you entered these woods.”
The Spartans gaped in disbelief. “If you’ve been following us, why didn’t we see you?” asked a skeptic soldier.
“My point exactly,” Hisao said with a smirk.
“Euphos, these soldiers, and I are traveling to see the Oracle of Crete, would you care to join us?” asked Chuck.
“Alright, on one condition. Neither you nor your men shall release information of our existence. Deal?”
“Deal,” said the Spartans in unison.
Instantaneously, the ninjas were gone, leaving only the soldiers’ lives behind.
With the protection of the League of Shadows, everyone felt safe as they reached the exit of the forest and entered a remote seaport with just enough unclaimed ships docked to transport all the Spartans, ninjas, and Chuck Norris himself, aboard.
With a favorable wind to their backs, and Spartans at the ropes, they sailed onto the vast ocean.

Quest II: War and Open Water

Chuck watched silently the shoreline disappeared over the horizon. That flash of light must have jumbled up people from every Era and Age of history into one area, Chuck thought to himself. What could be next, I wonder?
The Spartan hoplites handled the ship work with ease. Tying the ropes, switching the sail, and steering the ship as if they had done it all their life.
The ninjas, however, were unfamiliar to the rocking sensation of the sea. Queasiness over took many, some vomited, spoiling the deep blue of the ocean water. Hisao stood unmoving, unwilling to show his discomfort, though his pale green face revealed the seasickness.
“Another ship! Port side!” called out a man from the crow’s nest. “They fly a strange flag, sir!”
Chuck gazed out at the ship flying the Jolly Roger emblem in the distance. Pirates.
The ship sailed closer and became clearer to see. It was truly pirates, and they did not look all too jolly. The ship came within two hundred yards of their own.
“Aargh! Who be sailin’ on me waters?” shouted a nasty looking man in a raspy voice. He wore classic pirate garb: an eye patch, peg leg, a three-corner hat, and he even wore a parrot on his shoulder. “They be reserved for me an’ me loyal crew!”
Before they had a chance to respond, cannons fired at their ship. A battle had begun.
Only the firing cannons and flintlock pistols were louder than the war cries of battle. Pirate crew members swung onto the Spartan ship engaging in heated fighting. The ninjas swiftly snuck onto the deck of The Horror of the Sea, the pirates’ pride and joy. Stealthily, the ninjas sabotaged the ship. They cut ropes, dumped food and drink overboard, and assassinated any remaining crew. The brave Spartan warriors fought with dignity and courage as they defended their ship from buccaneers. Chuck Norris had no weapons but his fists, but that was all he needed. The clinking and clanking of swords filled the ears of all, and they knew death was near.
“Stop the fighting! Cease!” proclaimed the captain in fear. Hisao Inaba held his blade close to the captain’s throat. “Perhaps we can make a deal. I be Cap’n One-Eye Nobeard, and these bunch of scurvy dogs be me crew. We sail the seven seas in plunder aboard the Horror of the Sea.”
“Okay, a deal it is. Why don’t you and your crew protect us while we roam the sea, and we won’t kill you,” announced Chuck.
“Deal,” Nobeard replied with a sigh.
Only fifty lives were lost from the Spartan army, seventy-five from Nobeard’s. The dead were mourned and disposed of; they would not die in vain.


continued in "My Epic Poem (Part II)