Splatterhouse Virtual Console Review

[meatwad420]

Splatterhouse...wow. The last time I played this game, I was still in my diapers. I downloaded it on the virtual console to relive what I used to think was a fun game because it was a beat 'em up kinda game...and how I regret that decision. This game is TERRIBLE!!!

When I booted it up on the VC, I couldn't help but admire the screen where you have to press start to play...



all the letters in blood make it look a bit convincing that its a game you WILL enjoy right? if you get to kill monsters, sure! it has to be fun right?!



Tell me that if you saw this bad boy machine sitting in an arcade, you wouldn't at least waste a token on it. Well...after you play this game for 5 minutes, you will wish you had spent that token on marvel vs capcom.


Storyline:

Your girlfriend gets kidnapped and an eerie ancient Mayan mask attaches to your face and makes you well...a monster killing bad-ass....sounds interesting right? Wait...no...that's the wrong question...How dumb can it get? THATS the question. I couldn't help but realize, but the "ancient Mayan mask" looks like a hockey mask...in fact, IT IS A HOCKEY MASK!!!







Well...That would make sense actually. Yeah, i actually read in a history book that Mayans played hockey. GOD! What were these people smoking?! Its sad that this came out in 1988 just nearly a decade after classic horror movies came out...Freddy, Jason (which looks exactly like the main character, but instead is wearing a nurse-like suit), and many other classic horror movies where evil is just pwning the innocent. This game was actually the first game to ever recieve a parental advisory disclaimer in 1988...Thats four years behind mortal kombat. I dont blame them, blood in 16-bit graphics is going WAY too far! HOW DARE THOSE EVIL PEOPLE! PUTTING VIOLENCE IN VIDEO GAMES! KIDS LEARN VIOLENCE FROM S*** LIKE YOU!





Yeah..what games did Napoleon and Hitler play as children? Oh...Monopoly? Yeah...I'd want to kill millions too after having to mortgage my railroads! Anyways, I've gone off topic. The storyline sucks. Period. BUT, this game could be considered a revolution in game design and could be seen as an inspiration for the first survival horror games. So even though it's a disgrace of a game now, it was considered very original back in it's glory days of the late 80's and early 90's. They even made 2 sequels for this. But after playing the first one, I am more then convinced to stay away from the others.

Gameplay:

Side scrolling game, where you use one button to jump, and one button to punch monsters or smash them in the face with a stick...how UNCREATIVE is this game? Well, I would much rather jump off the Leaning Tower of Pisa headfirst into a swimming pool of diarrhea rather then waste another minute of my life on this piece of shat. The enemies died WAY to easy. Hit em once or twice, maybe three times and poof. They turn into a puddle of blood or a pile of bones. That's what also made me angry...a puddle of blood and a pile of bones after punching a guy. That's about as original as a Lil Jon album. The final boss isn't even that much of a challenge....you smack him a couple of times and poof...you beat the game. Oh yeah, the ending screen will make you laugh too...you get a CONGRATULATIONS! and a lil paragraph on what happens afterwards...what a piece of *****!!!


There is no entertainment in this game. Getting beaten up and tossed around by a pack of gorillas is more entertaining then this game. I would know, I wrote this in the hospital.

Replay-ability:

After the first stage, you'll want to throw you're remote into the wall and slit your wrists after wasting precious wii points and time on this game. Believe me, if you can play this game through more then once, youre either 4 years old and dont know any better or you have no life. Which brings up a question...How do you kill which has no life?

Sound:

The same tune...over...and over. Its kind of like...hmm...how can I explain this? Its kind of like "shoot me in the face with a rocket launcher now" music. I went through a bottle of Excedrin just to finish this game.

Overall Thoughts and Rating:

In closing, I want to just let you know something. If you're a die hard video game fan, and just want to play every game you possibly can, do yourself a favor and stay away from this game. It's not worth your time or your money, just stayyy away. If you HAVE to find out though, just download the game and give it a try...dont say i didnt warn you though. THIS GAME...IS F-ING HORRIBLE!!!



RATING: 2/10 ABYSMAL!

[mwhp13]

Nice review I enjoyed the commentary the most.

[Jamoodah]

Wow, I had actually heard this game was worth downloading... Glad I didn't listen! I've still got 2300 points to burn, probably get Neutopia, SMB3 and wait for Ducktales!